Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
