I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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