actually, I'm a sock model
People in love make me want to vomit
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
