Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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