community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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