highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
