what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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