Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
