just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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