In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
