did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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