i may or may not be watching the land before time
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
