remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
