Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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