I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
