I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need a beard to bite.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
