I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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