i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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