Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
