I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's always time for handjobs
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I need water and some morals
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
