so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
