Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
