Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
