Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
