i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
