If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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