this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
