zippers are such a cool invention
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
