There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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