Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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