Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I need a beard to bite.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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