Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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