I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
