mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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