The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
