I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Randomize