Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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