the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
