I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
