i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
