A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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