when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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