I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
