I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
