watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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