i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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