Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
