Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
