I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
