My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
