She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
