the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize