i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
