Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
