take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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